Whew boy –
I didn’t think we’d get here, but here we is…
(Hey, this is meant to be conversational, not proper.)
I wish I could truly communicate the sheer unnecessary ridiculousness Shauna and I had to navigate to get here, but here we is…
I can actually say, “My name is B, and I’m a published author…”
But you know? It doesn’t feel like that still. Perhaps because my book is fairly lengthy (I swear it’s worth it!) and therefore I’m awaiting the first signs of reviews. But I keep asking myself the same question… Will I believe I’m good enough if strangers think so? Will I actually feel like an author?
I don’t think of myself as an author now. Even though I’ve looked at my book on Amazon like 200 times to make sure I didn’t dream its existence on that platform, I still don’t feel like an author. I follow a lot of authors on Twitter. I’m not like them.
I love to read, I love to learn, I love to hear other perspectives, but I ALSO love television. In fact, my whole 1stnovel was written in front of a TV. Sure, I missed a few key moments in my favorite shows when I was navigating a particularly tricky chapter, but I like to watch TV. I love music. I love video games.
I feel like if you’re an “author” you’re supposed to be all about books. All about the written word in its various formats. Some authors, (my favorite Dean Koontz included) seem to look down on scripted television shows. I’m not sure why that would be. Don’t get me wrong, I love to read books and allow my imagination to create the world that I’m reading according to my understanding of the content. But sometimes, my brain is too tired to do that. Sometimes, I want someone ELSE to do that for me!
I feel like an author should take themselves seriously. They should be eloquent.
Let me let you in on a little secret. I’m a WHOLE lot of things, but eloquent is NOT one of them! I’m good in writing. In writing, you have this nifty button called “delete” or “backspace.” You do not have this in real life. In real life we are expected to use something called a filter.
My filter has been malfunctioning for the past fifteen years and I cannot seem to find a replacement. As I’ve said in the past, if I think it, my lips will often run with it before my brain has fully vetted it. Basically, I shouldn’t be trusted to speak to other humans without a chaperone present.
I think of myself a scribbler. I can craft a decent story I guess. Maybe that’s why I don’t see myself as an author. I want to tell stories, be it on paper or maybe one day on the small/large screen. I want to touch people, and you can do that in a book just as well as crafting words for a talented actor/actress to deliver. I want to create. I want to cause people to feel things.
Even in my early days, as a poet, I wrote about raw emotion. Usually my raw emotion, as told from the mind of a 7th grader. (It was kinda sad really. Lol) Then when that morphed into my long/short-lived music career (It was long, but the whole “professional” part was fairly short.) I wrote songs from my heart, from my emotion and I wanted people to feel the sentiment I felt. Lyrics weren’t the only thing to create that moment, the vocals had to take on the cloak of the words. The singers in my group, they were really good at doing that.
Now, I’m on my own, putting myself out there, and I wrote what I felt. I wrote how I see the world. I wrote my hopes, I wrote my dreams. I wrote about things my inner voice whispers to me and I ignore. I wrote how I felt.
To some, maybe that’s what an author does. For me, it’s just wanting to help others experience the things that run through my mind on a deeper level, but I don’t just want the experience to take place. I want it to be a seed to feed the reader to look at their own experiences.
I think that’s what I want. I want people to identify. I cannot be the only person, who like Dom, hides her true nature from others for fear of being hurt. I cannot be the only person who, like Layla, often feels like she’s completely alone in the world with no one else to rely on but herself. I can’t be the only person, like Robert, who is riddled with so much guilt from past mistakes. I cannot be the only person, like Rose, who watches her community in pain and wants nothing more than to figure out a way to heal and fix things much bigger than herself. I cannot be the only person, like Vasquez, who wants to live life to the fullest for as long as we’re here. I cannot be the only person, like Ryan, who sees this country is sick, and ignoring the problem will not make it disappear.
I don’t want to only entertain, amuse or distract. I want to discuss.
So… I will work on my next project. I’ve started book 2 of Shadow Resistance, but I believe I’m putting another book ahead of that for release while I piece out the plot for book 2. Until that’s released, I will keep watching TV. I will keep enjoying all the things that probably make me a terrible “author,” but at least give me experiences to tell a pretty good story.
Want to discuss with me? Follow me on social media or drop a line with your thoughts using the contact page. Maybe you can enrich my experiences and give me even more fodder for my scribbles.
~Fin~
